Why am I not happy with anything in my life right now?
I wish I had friends who actually cared about me. But no one really does.
I wish I didn’t waste my time caring about that though. I wish I was more concerned with things that actually matter.
There are so many things in the world worth being concerned about. So many problems. So many ways to make people happy in the way that actually matter.
There’s only one perspective I’m going to have towards people from now. And that is,
Everyone has to deal with their own shit. Life is hard for different people in ways we can’t imagine. As long as I acknowledge that, and try my best to be there for people when they need help, I think I’ll be happy.
Thinking too hard about why people do certain things and what’s going on through their minds puts unnecessary barriers.
And other than that, I’m going to look out for what’s best for myself.
That is all. Simple, but perfect. This is what I need to do to be happy.
Home for the weekend.
My feet are firmly planted on the ground. It feels odd and comforting seeing as though the last few weeks have been filled with me floating through life.
I know what I need to focus on. I need to focus on praying. I need to focus on school. Working out. Eating healthy. Getting my shit together.
I’m just trying to refocus my mind. I got so lost these past few weeks. I know what’s important to me.
I am drunk right now but I’m going to type this anyways.
It really hurts me that he threw up so much and did all this and I had to clean up after him and I went through his phone (yes I went through his phone) and he spent so much effort trying to catch up with some other girl he claimed he didn’t even care about.
Excuse me, was you sayin’ something? Uh uh, you can’t tell me nothin.
The only thing that’s on my mind right now is success.
The other day, I was thinking this and then I asked myself what success is. Because a lot of people say this but everyone has different definitions for success. What’s mine?
I thought about this over a few days and I’m just now starting to realize what it is. Success is when I’m the best possible version of everything I want to be. Success is being able to wake up finally content with the majority of important things in my life. I’m working on it, and I can’t wait until I am back at school, able to prove to myself that I am capable of being perfect at everything.
I’m writing this because school is going to start soon and I like writing just to organize all the mess in my brain and compose myself before I start anything.
I’m going to trip for the first time when I get back to Athens.
I’m going to attempt to work for 5 hours per day.
It’s only 1131 and I’m soo tired already. Haha but my room is a mess and I need to clean and wash my face and fix my hair so it’s slightly presentable and then make a list of what to buy when shopping tomorrow.
I just feel like there has to be more, you know?
i’m sick of my lack of self control.
i’m sick of everything. i need to do what’s right for me. it doesn’t make sense to go out and waste my money on food and other things. i need to just chill and reflect more often.
work out. eat clean. be neater. budget better. study more.
i want to be the perfect girl for everyone. I want to be funny and serious. Daring and smart. Confident but modest and humble. I want to be intelligent and worldly but completely invested in matters of the soul and my religion. I wanted to be beautiful. I want to capture the attention of people’s minds. I want people to be mesmerized by me.
I don’t want to be good at everything I do. I want to be the best at everything I do. Whether it’s teaching myself to cook or drive or cut hair or study or teach or work. I want to be so ridiculously successful people wonder how I could possibly get where I am.
I have high expectations for myself. Outrageously high and unrealistic and shallow and deep and everyhting in between motivated by what people think about me and what people want.
I know I can be happy, as soon as I stop caring about what other people want and start doing what’s best for me.
stop telling me i’m insecure. stop telling me i’m too jealous and crazy. stop calling me these things when it’s not true.
I don’t feel the way I do for no reason. When I’ve known you for 2 years and I know you like the back of my hand, I know when something is off.
If you made me feel good about myself, if you made me feel special in anyway, if you made me feel like I was worth more than those other girls, I wouldn’t feel the way I do.
But I do feel insecure when you call another girl pretty because I don’t even remember the last time you called me pretty. And I do feel insecure when you talk about your friends and the people you know because you’ve never tried to include me in that life. and every time I bring this up you tell me, “But I do think you’re more attractive than most girls and I do think you’re pretty” but why does it feel like those words were forced by your brain?
I am not insecure, jealous, or crazy. I don’t consider those to be defining characteristics about myself. I do think I need some more confidence because I lack the self-assurance to take risks, but that doesn’t mean shit. I don’t sit here and see a pretty girl and compare myself to her. I don’t see girls like that when you talk to them and feel jealous at all. the only time I feel jealous and insecure is when you’re nicer to them than you are to me.
That is not who I am and that is not who I would be if I didn’t make myself so vulnerable to you.
Why do I not feel the passion that those words should have?
i am actually disgusted with myself.
i can’t handle this.
why can’t i just focus on school and my own life and working on building up my resume and doing good things with my life
it’s hard enough trying to transition into adulthood without having to worry about parents making stupidass decisions, ruining their assets, being unable to make a living.
HOW SMART DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO MAKE A LIVING FOR YOURSELF
STUPIDASS PEOPLE CAN MAKE LIVINGS FOR THEMSELVES
WHAT THE FUCK WHY IS THIS MY PROBLEM NOW
WHY THE HELL DO YOU FEEL ILKE YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE IF YOU CAN’T EVEN FUCKING PAY THE MORTGAGE. EXCUSE ME BUT YOU HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN WORRY ABOUT DAUGHTER WITH A GOOD JOB, GOOD GRADES, AND GOOD FUTURE.
my parents are shitty people. like actually. why do I believe in a religion which holds parents up in such high esteem
I understand they raised me okay. but what did they really do? financially provide for me? if that released my obligation to them as a daughter I will work my ass off until I can pay them back. like are you fucking shitting me
how are they SUCH SHITTY PEOPLE I CAN’T EVEN GET OVER THIS.
i’m typing in caps lock like that feels any different than typing normally.
I can’t get along with them because they are seriously like the opposite of everything I believe in
the only thing I can thank them for is showing me exactly what I dont’ want in my life
this entire summer i’ve just been sacrificing everything so i can help them but it’s just so fucking annoying
everyone is fucking annoying
god damn i’ve never hated people so much in my life