It’s weird how many times I’ve been in this exact same situation. The exact same place in my bed, listening to music, the only light on is my lamp.
I’m constantly looking to improve my life. I’m constantly looking to fix what is bothering me. Is it bad that recently the one solution to my problems recently is breaking it off with you?
I’m captivated by epic loves stories- the ones that can never work out. Maybe that’s us. You make me so happy but is it worth all the hurt that comes with it? The hurt, the resentment.. The regret.
The regret. I don’t think it has fully hit me yet because I think if I got the full impact of it, I would be hysterical right now. Regret because of how much I have sacrificed for you that has gotten carelessly tossed to the back of your mind and when you can’t do something small for me your first response is, “I didn’t ask you to do those things for me.”
Regret because when I asked you to do something for me because I was hurting, you put your own desires for her ahead of me.
The thing is, I dove into this thinking that there’s no point in being in a relationship if you aren’t going to put everything blindly into it to make it work. How can you say that you put in an honest effort unless you put everything into it? I did it all for you. I gave up the world for you. I did it without thinking because you know why? Because I loved you. I still love you. But it’s not the same and I’ve tried to explain that to you but you can’t accept it.
I’m trying even harder right now but only because I owe it to you. The first few months of us, you had to deal with falling way faster than me and it hurt you so now I feel like the least I can do is give it a few months to work out.
I don’t think anyone has ever understood me as well as you and I don’t think I’ve ever felt as happy and content as I was just sitting in bed and staring at the ceiling with your arm around me.
You found me at a weird time. I have problems. I have issues trying to figure myself out. I have no idea who I am and what I stand for. The only thing I know I stand for is doing what is right and good for people.
I’m not the type to just be in a daze and try to get through life. I need to figure my self out and dissect every decision and every feeling and emotion and every thought I think. It’s difficult to not know who you are exactly because when it comes to a place like college where you’re making big and lifechanging decisions left and right, how do you know what to choose?
I have faith in myself. I have faith in fate. I know that if I had to get through life by myself, I would get through it and be perfectly fine and come out stronger than ever. Either that or I would slit my wrists.
I don’t know why but I just believe that everything happens for a reason and it works out how it’s supposed to. Not necessarily for the best, just how it’s supposed to. I’m not even sure how that makes any sense. I think it’s just the logical part of my brain trying to come up with some sort of rhyme or reason to life. I can’t deal with anything that doesn’t make sense to me. Or doesn’t have a reason as to why it happens. I’m not sure why I have so much faith in this but it is this faith that keeps me from sinking when things get hard. It’s this faith that makes me feel strong and that I won’t fall apart if I ever lose something. Someone.
Everyone just constantly disappoints me. It’s this weird cycle of having such a low self worth but feeling like everyone else is disappointing me more often than I am hurting anyone else. Part of me is starting to feel like maybe I’m not so wrong all the time? I don’t know.
Wow my mind can produce so much bullshit when it wants to. I don’t even know how I ended up typing so much about random vague life lessony type shit.
I just.. I don’t know. I feel like I’m on the verge of some big life revelation. Something that I need to realize in order to be super successful. It’s there. I’m so close. Everyday life is a learning progress. I’ve learned and changed so much in college but that’s because I’ve had less restriction. I hate restriction it keeps me from reaching my full potential but soon I am going to figure out what I am so close to realizing.
Everything just needs to get out of my way. It’s something that will make my life easier. Something that will answer so many of these questions I have, these depressing questions. So many things that bother me that will finally make sense. and it’s probably something as stupid as “nothing has meaning” and I need to stop searching for it but it’ll be another life theory that has been recently tested to be true that i will continue to test on upcoming life experiences and if it proves to be true still then i will believe in it until otherwise proven
i think i’m going crazy
like actually insane.