Honestly nothing can compare to these warm nights just laying in bed with all the lights off looking out my window and just relaxing.
My dad can beat me, my mom can call me a whore and a bitch and they can both give me concussions and scratch up my arms. They can not feed me and try to force me to do what they want. They can take away everything I have and tell me I will never amount to anything but they can’t take away moments like these completely filled with peace.
Nothing can take this away from me.
I’m starting to lose my attachment towards anything that can be taken away from me. I value things that are fully mine above all. Moments like these? Where I can see the stars in the sky and hear a car passing by every few minutes and feel a really light breeze on my skin and listen to the crickets chirping in the distance. It’s almost like its just me and the world at a time where the world expects nothing from me.
And intimate moment between me and the world. Where it’s gently telling me all its secrets. These are moments that are completely mine.
I’m just gonna be honest, I’m writing this post hoping you’re going to read this, because I feel like I haven’t been fair to you entirely. And I just feel like writing something right now.
It’s funny to me that you decided to reread my blog after all this time. So much time has passed since the last time we had an actual conversation, over a year, and you decided to come back to my blog for some reason to read my thoughts. I actually don’t mind at all. My thoughts on here are personal, but it’s almost nice having someone to talk to almost.
I rarely talk to anyone about problems in my life now, except one person, and you can probably guess who that is. It’s almost annoying, listening to other people give me advice like they know me and my life. Sometimes people just want someone to listen but the thing is, I don’t even want that sometimes. I don’t want to talk to someone about my problems. But I want to talk to someone about my problems. Kind of confusing, but I’ll explain. I hate when I tell someone about something I did and I can literally see the judgement on their face. I hate knowing that no matter how hard someone tries to not judge me when they’re listening to me, they’re judging me anyways. I know you don’t read my blog often, and you’re trying to stop but it’s almost nice knowing that there’s someone reading it but they aren’t necessarily there. I have no idea if that makes sense. I’m not asking you to keep reading my blog or anything, but those were just my thoughts when you told me you read my blog recently.
It isn’t exactly okay for me to just talk to you about things like this. Which is why sometimes I stop replying to your texts or I don’t respond to you. I can see where the conversation is heading and I can tell it isn’t something he would be comfortable with and I can understand why. I hope you know who I’m referring to by “he”. I feel weird mentioning names on this blog, so I’m not going to. I also feel weird referring to him as “my boyfriend”. He is my boyfriend, but that just doesn’t seem like the right title for him. He’s not just my boyfriend, he’s something different and more. And I also hope you can understand why I stop replying.
Even though we talked to each other over a year ago, I can’t say that I know you. I don’t even want to say that I understand you, because only you would know if I actually do understand you but I think I understood you more than I knew you. Which is actually kind of weird when I think about it. Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around? Anyways, I think we can both agree that the more we talk about how we feel about different things in our lives, things start getting weird. And by weird I mean, the line between a “Friendly conversation” and slightly more than just a friendly conversation starts getting blurry. The last sentence might give you a misconception. I’m just gonna be blunt. I’m not worried about me getting too emotional, I’m worried you will. I’m not saying that’ll necessarily happen, but I don’t want to risk it at all. I don’t want to put him in a situation where he feels uncomfortable with something I do. I wouldn’t be comfortable with him having a deep conversation with someone he used to have a thing with. And because of that, I stop replying to your texts (coincidentally, my phone got disconnected right after you sent me that last text). I think we both care too much, that’s our problem. But it doesn’t matter now.
I’m gonna be honest, I’m writing all this I guess mainly to make myself feel better. No one gives a shit about me at school. And whenever you do something nice for me, I just push you away. I wish there was a better way for me to handle the situation, but there isn’t and I hope you can understand.
I don’t know how you feel when I don’t respond to your texts. I don’t know if you care at all. If you don’t, I’m sorry for making you read all this. If you do, I don’t know if any of this makes you feel better but at least now you know why.
I don’t know what’s going on in your life, but I hope it’s all going well.
Not sure how to end this so I’m just going to stop typing now.
Sometimes, I really don’t understand life. Actually. No. All the time. For instance, I’m asking myself now how I got to the point where I’m sitting in my room with all the lights turned off at 1:23 AM questioning all the decisions I’ve been making recently.
I guess, everything this past year has been a learning experience and I’ve learned a lot about myself, for sure. I don’t even know how to begin to translate my thoughts into words right now. Which, 6 months ago, would have been really frustrating. But I’m used to it now. The price to pay for letting my emotions take over instead of allowing logic to dictate my every thought and opinion.
Everything feels.. I don’t know. Like I was in a movie for the past few months and someone just picked me up in the middle of a scene and dropped me back into reality. Even the dim white light in my backyard from the moon.. isn’t actually from the moon. I was staring at it earlier noting how calming it is, only to see that my parents forgot to turn off the porch light. Again.
Like I said, ripped straight from a movie and thrown carelessly back into reality.
I don’t know if these thoughts lead to a self fulfilling prophecy. Maybe, just by thinking these thoughts, I’m ruining everything good I’ve wanted for myself.
Earlier, I said I learned a lot about myself. I learned a lot about the type of person I am, how I think, what I tend to do, etc etc. Good things, bad things, things that just define who I am.
The current thing I’m learning? How often I automatically take the blame for things. I realized I have no problem with doing that. Kind of. I have no problem with the action itself in the moment if it saves me from arguing, fighting, some sort of conflict. I don’t like proving people right, it doesn’t grant me any satisfaction whatsoever. I don’t enjoy making other people feel inferior in any way. I’m not any better than them, so why make them think I’m trying to prove something to them? I just automatically take the blame and because of that I have a really negative self image. And I’m beginning to realize, I’m not as bad as I think I am. I’m still probably bad, just not as bad.
At least I’m not an asshole.
I don’t know. I don’t know what I’m thinking, I don’t know what I’m saying, I don’t know where I’m going with this, and I’m sure, in less than 24 hours, this post will be momentarily irrelevant.
I’m slowly coming to see things unravel. I’m not mature enough to handle this sort of responsibility. But I’m not sure if I’ll ever have anything like this again.
For the human soul, love is such a convoluted and depressing concept. The idea of a life or death attachment to someone not being enough to make things work? I don’t think I’ll ever be able to accept that idea. I firmly believe that if you work hard enough, you can make anything happen. Except, with this. Except with the thing that everyone wants the most out of everything in their lives (Okay, slight exaggeration. But I guess, for most people, it’s up there, right?). Simply loving someone isn’t enough. It’s never enough. We grow up to think that love is all we need. How depressing to realize that love is only a small component of a lifelong component, and even sometimes, the least important part of it.
People who have everything are so lucky. But as I’m typing this, I have everything. What more could I want? How do I know if this is completely right? How do I know if it’s too much? I have so many questions, so many huge questions that are only up to me to figure out.
The fact that I’m questioning it seriously makes me so sad. I can’t even explain the sadness I feel right now. I don’t know if it’s just me, I just… I’m beginning to have doubts and because of that.. I don’t know.
I’m not the type to want a fairytale, but here I am, hoping and hoping so much for a fairytale to work out. There’s nothing else I want. I just want someone to tell me that this is right for me. That I should be doing this.
I remember one day I was questioning whether I have felt true happiness in the past few months. He said, if I’m questioning it, I’m probably not happy. And he was right, when I was truly happy, I just knew it.
Now I’m questioning whether I was stupid to rush into something so unlikely to work out so fast. I think back to that day where I was questioning whether I felt true happiness. If I am questioning it, it probably isn’t true.
And the thought of that scares me so much.
It’s funny how my mom could never get her name straight, my dad always talked shit about their family, and the daughter got into Yale. This shows so many things. For one, my dad talks shit about everyone like he’s above them, he acts like he knows them, like they’re all bullshitters, he’s so judgmental. Obviously that family is doing something right. I mean.. if you consider the fact that they’re rich, religious, and their daughter doesn’t hate her family and got into a school like Yale.. while we’re over here with money problems, family problems, and problems in general. I mean, just think about it. Every kid in our family is screwed up.
And now the fact that she got into Yale matters SO much. Apparently. Now my parents are so concerned about me and where I’m going to college.
this is so annoying
For the first time in my life, I just want to feel like I’m good enough for someone.
I’m tired of hearing people saying that they expect more, or that I’m good, they just expect more. No. Why can’t someone just accept the fact that I’m average? I’m not anything more than what you see, and I don’t expect to be. I’m perfectly fine with being average. My goal isn’t to impress anyone else, I do what I want to because it makes me happy.
I don’t know what to say anymore. I don’t know how to explain whatever is on my mind and I don’t know how to express how shitty I feel like right now. Like.. idk. I never had drama before. And I admit, I’ve made some mistakes. And yes, I feel like complete shit for the mistakes that I made and the people I hurt.
I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. Like. I gave up my friends for these new people. These new people turn out to not be my kind of people. My parents aren’t talking to me. My “friends” aren’t talking to me. the one person who I gave up so much for is upset and isn’t talking to me. And right now, when I need him more than ever, I’m sitting here on tumblr venting about all my problems.
can he not see what I’ve done for him? can he not see that I need him? do I have to plainly spell out everything for him?
what is wrong with me? why can’t I just do something right for once? what am I doing wrong in my life that keeps putting me in all these bad situations?
why am I on tumblr right now venting about my problems instead of venting about it to someone? Why am I so alone? How is it that after I meet the person that’s supposed to complete me, I have the loneliest moments in my life?
Last year I had so many people I could go to for everything. This year.. sucks. Everythings changed. I just don’t want to show up at school ever again. I just don’t know how I’ll even get through this shit. I know I will get through it, i have no other choice, unless I decide to be stupid and impulsive and slit my wrists or something. but I couldn’t do that to him. that’s honestly the only reason I haven’t been thinking of it more seriously. because I know I couldn’t do it to him. because I know I would go insane if he ever did that to himself and didn’t talk to me about it first.
through all this drama and stress, one of the main things I’m stressing about is UGA admissions. I honestly don’t care if I get rejected from every other school. I’m not scared of rejection and I understand that it doesn’t necessarily speak about me as a person. i just need to get into uga. more than anything, I’m counting on this.
But honestly. Surrounding myself with people I can’t connect with makes me feel.. idk. Left out? Because getting along with people does not mean I connect to them. Whether they consciously realize it or not, the fact is that most people I talk to connect to each other more than they connect to me and it’s obvious in small ways that people don’t even pay attention to. Lack of involvement in smaller conversations, lack of interest in the subjects that come up, no desire to spend outside time with them.. these are all things that aren’t really blatantly obvious but they add up. People are constantly growing and moving forward, the more frequently these factors come up, the more obvious the distance becomes.
I pushed away all my old friends to make him more comfortable. He feels weird about me having a bunch of close guy friends? Understandable. I don’t want them to make him feel uncomfortable, so I pushed them away. Is it weird that the only time I’m really honestly having fun is chilling with the guys? Girls are so judgmental. Every move. Manipulative, passive, emotional, etc. Something bothers them? They will either complain about it way too much or idk. like i’ve already had drama with the girls because they all just judged me hard for no reason, and the worst part is, they can’t even see it.
I have him and he’s all I really need, but what happens when he’s upset? Whatever I did, I did intentionally and I’m not going to go back to them as soon as my relationship has issues because I need someone. another thing. this whole thing made me a lot less open. I remember having problems because I couldn’t keep my personal issues to myself, now I have trouble opening up to anyone.
but yeah. so when things get bad, i just sit here by myself and try to deal with everything. which is totally fine. it’s just weird. going from having so many people to talk to, to this.
