I just feel like there has to be more, you know?
i’m sick of my lack of self control.
i’m sick of everything. i need to do what’s right for me. it doesn’t make sense to go out and waste my money on food and other things. i need to just chill and reflect more often.
work out. eat clean. be neater. budget better. study more.
i want to be the perfect girl for everyone. I want to be funny and serious. Daring and smart. Confident but modest and humble. I want to be intelligent and worldly but completely invested in matters of the soul and my religion. I wanted to be beautiful. I want to capture the attention of people’s minds. I want people to be mesmerized by me.
I don’t want to be good at everything I do. I want to be the best at everything I do. Whether it’s teaching myself to cook or drive or cut hair or study or teach or work. I want to be so ridiculously successful people wonder how I could possibly get where I am.
I have high expectations for myself. Outrageously high and unrealistic and shallow and deep and everyhting in between motivated by what people think about me and what people want.
I know I can be happy, as soon as I stop caring about what other people want and start doing what’s best for me.
stop telling me i’m insecure. stop telling me i’m too jealous and crazy. stop calling me these things when it’s not true.
I don’t feel the way I do for no reason. When I’ve known you for 2 years and I know you like the back of my hand, I know when something is off.
If you made me feel good about myself, if you made me feel special in anyway, if you made me feel like I was worth more than those other girls, I wouldn’t feel the way I do.
But I do feel insecure when you call another girl pretty because I don’t even remember the last time you called me pretty. And I do feel insecure when you talk about your friends and the people you know because you’ve never tried to include me in that life. and every time I bring this up you tell me, “But I do think you’re more attractive than most girls and I do think you’re pretty” but why does it feel like those words were forced by your brain?
I am not insecure, jealous, or crazy. I don’t consider those to be defining characteristics about myself. I do think I need some more confidence because I lack the self-assurance to take risks, but that doesn’t mean shit. I don’t sit here and see a pretty girl and compare myself to her. I don’t see girls like that when you talk to them and feel jealous at all. the only time I feel jealous and insecure is when you’re nicer to them than you are to me.
That is not who I am and that is not who I would be if I didn’t make myself so vulnerable to you.
Why do I not feel the passion that those words should have?
i am actually disgusted with myself.
i can’t handle this.
why can’t i just focus on school and my own life and working on building up my resume and doing good things with my life
it’s hard enough trying to transition into adulthood without having to worry about parents making stupidass decisions, ruining their assets, being unable to make a living.
HOW SMART DO YOU HAVE TO BE TO MAKE A LIVING FOR YOURSELF
STUPIDASS PEOPLE CAN MAKE LIVINGS FOR THEMSELVES
WHAT THE FUCK WHY IS THIS MY PROBLEM NOW
WHY THE HELL DO YOU FEEL ILKE YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO TELL ME WHAT TO DO WITH MY LIFE IF YOU CAN’T EVEN FUCKING PAY THE MORTGAGE. EXCUSE ME BUT YOU HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN WORRY ABOUT DAUGHTER WITH A GOOD JOB, GOOD GRADES, AND GOOD FUTURE.
my parents are shitty people. like actually. why do I believe in a religion which holds parents up in such high esteem
I understand they raised me okay. but what did they really do? financially provide for me? if that released my obligation to them as a daughter I will work my ass off until I can pay them back. like are you fucking shitting me
how are they SUCH SHITTY PEOPLE I CAN’T EVEN GET OVER THIS.
i’m typing in caps lock like that feels any different than typing normally.
I can’t get along with them because they are seriously like the opposite of everything I believe in
the only thing I can thank them for is showing me exactly what I dont’ want in my life
this entire summer i’ve just been sacrificing everything so i can help them but it’s just so fucking annoying
everyone is fucking annoying
god damn i’ve never hated people so much in my life
I might seem like I hold grudges, but considering how much shit I let go of that you do to me on a daily basis… i don’t think i hold grudges. maybe one or two big things you’ve done that have hurt me. but all the things you do to me on a daily basis.. yeah i have to work on letting those go every day.
I never used to be scared of being alone, but now I know what being alone does to me.
What am I doing right now
i need to work on my self control.
but sometimes no matter what i do i can’t make myself get off my ass and do the things i need to do
something cool i realized though is that i could legally run away whenever i want and actually make it somewhere.