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BTW

Little boys are guys who learn that their girlfriend is breaking up with them and say “okay” then go off and do statics homework. 

Bitches come and go.

You’re sitting 6 feet from me. I’m blasting music through my headphones to ignore the tension in the room. I sent you a text because I didn’t want your roommates to hear us. It’s done. I’m done for real this time. 

You are a little boy. You are not mature enough for my love. You are not ready to recognize that I would do more for you than all of these people in your life put together. 

You do not understand me. You do not understand that I am not like other girls emotionally. I have issues. I have communicated this to you and I have told you this multiple times. I have moments where social settings are too much for me. I have to escape. I have to get away. I have to find myself in these situations. No one understands me. I am on an island. 

And still, all you do is respond with hate. I am not getting mad at you because I want to get mad at you. This is just how I am. I can’t control it and I don’t want to take pills. I have accepted who I am and figured out how to deal with it. 

When you would rather spend your evening with MY close friends than comfort me when I am at my worst, why do you even bother to tell me you love me? You do not love me. You are a little boy. You do not accept me. You want to cruise through your life, do what’s best for you, and associate with me when I am pretty and on top of things. 

That’s not how it works. It’s so annoying that you can’t see this. That you have to defend your every move. That you refuse to see what I see. 

WE might have a difference in opinion about what should be right and wrong but the difference is what I need is a make or break us. What I need is non negotiable. What I need is love and support. I need a man to love me.

I need someone who understands that in the end, there is no one there for you but yourself and the person who loves you. I need someone who appreciates my loyalty and love. I need someone who knows. I need someone else. 

I am the girl who will be there for you no matter what. I will trust you with everything I have and I will love you no matter what and put everything into our relationship because I believe that is the only real way to love someone.

You won’t ever see it the way I see it. I am not the girl for you. I am not the girl that will make you love me like a woman deserves to be loved. 

When you find that girl though, I hope you realize. You don’t love me like that. You love me like the hungry husband with the fat wife who has passed through her peak. 

We were never right. From the beginning, every force was working against us. That’s what was so beautiful about us though- we managed to make it work against everything. But I’m giving in now. I’m giving into the forces of life because you are not worth fighting for anymore. 

So fuck you.. fuck you for romanticizing our connection and making me feel like we were going to get married one day. I trusted you. I trusted you to keep me happy. I trusted you to be the one for me so I let down my barriers. I started believing in something that logically made no sense what so ever. 

I fucking hate your guts for that. I hope you regret this. I hope your biggest regret is not treating me the way I deserve to be treated. 

Let’s be honest. Let’s just be real for a second.

I suck. at everything. I have overly high expectations for everything.

ME and you are not meant to be. You are not the man I need. You’re the boy I fell in love with. When I have to completely change myself to be okay being with you, when I have to distance myself from you to be with you 

why do i always procrastinate so much

Do what makes sense. 

Don’t unnecessarily eat. 

Drink coffee and tea. 

Listen to good music.

Manage time correctly. 

Keep priorities straight. 

Work hard and work smart. 

Set high goals and actually reach them.

What’s the point of living not at your full potential? 

Need to get my priorities straight again.

I have all the time in the world starting now. Things to get done today:

  • Clean room
  • hw
  • go to gym

Bed Peace by Jhene Aiko ft. Childish Gambino.

Probably one of my favorite songs right now. Idk it just describes how I feel.

I have a confession that’s probably very wrong of me to say. 

Whenever I meet a guy, I feel like I can read him enough to where I can determine what he wants and needs to be happy. Sometimes, with some guys, I feel like I can be that girl for them. To me, I feel like I can be the person they need and I want to be that person for them. 

idk. it’s weird. that’s the exact same feeling I had with him initially..

Why am I not happy with anything in my life right now?

I wish I had friends who actually cared about me. But no one really does. 

I wish I didn’t waste my time caring about that though. I wish I was more concerned with things that actually matter. 

There are so many things in the world worth being concerned about. So many problems. So many ways to make people happy in the way that actually matter.

There’s only one perspective I’m going to have towards people from now. And that is, 

Everyone has to deal with their own shit. Life is hard for different people in ways we can’t imagine. As long as I acknowledge that, and try my best to be there for people when they need help, I think I’ll be happy. 

Thinking too hard about why people do certain things and what’s going on through their minds puts unnecessary barriers. 

And other than that, I’m going to look out for what’s best for myself. 

That is all. Simple, but perfect. This is what I need to do to be happy. 

Home for the weekend.

My feet are firmly planted on the ground. It feels odd and comforting seeing as though the last few weeks have been filled with me floating through life. 

I know what I need to focus on. I need to focus on praying. I need to focus on school. Working out. Eating healthy. Getting my shit together. 

I’m just trying to refocus my mind. I got so lost these past few weeks. I know what’s important to me. 

I am drunk right now but I’m going to type this anyways.

It really hurts me that he threw up so much and did all this and I had to clean up after him and I went through his phone (yes I went through his phone) and he spent so much effort trying to catch up with some other girl he claimed he didn’t even care about.